UGH

I’m tired.

I really try hard not to procrastinate.

But I started. Again. Grrr.

I have been doing things the day they’re due this past week.

I just want to not be having class and just doing homework constantly.

Which it really feels like constantly.

I feel I'm simply doing things to get them done.

I honestly like school.

I like the structure.

I like obsessing about it.

I love the sheduleing.

And the “productivity’.

I like getting things done, it’s satisfying.

I love learning.

It just doesn’t interest me right now.

I hate being unmotivated.

I feel distanced and yet this is all my involvement. So. it’s kinda ;/


I started a new job, babysitting.

Their dad goes to work at 6:45am and I wake the kids at 7:15am.

I wake up at 6am and shower, get dressed, brush my hair and teeth, take my meds, grab some water and then drive over to their house by 6:45am.

It’s still dusk when I walk in.

Sometimes he has earlier morning meetings and I am to be there by 6am.

This week 6am came a whole lot earlier then I was ready for.

I pet their coffee pitcher, deprived of it’s vitality. I got caught helplessly gawking at their fantastic coffee maker. (i’ve never had coffee in my house)

I still feel a bit frozen there in the early morning grog.


So also, my boyfriend has a crazy obsessive and productive mom. She doesn’t work anymore but like idk why but when she gets into something she completely dives in. I get it yk, but like. I find it a bit obnoxious, when I liked astrology to help bring some dopamine into my life to cure my depression and when I brought up that I kinda liked it she completely busted my balls. So apparently bc the universe is expanding it completely nullifies astrology from the 1800’s which is what it’s based it. But like, I just think it’s on of those probability things. I think it’s a way of defining the chaos yk.

Theres a quote, that “pay attention to everything and the truth will reveal itself” So who’s to stay that if we study the starts and our alignment we can’t find some truth.

I think being apart of astrologers meme’s on social media helped keep me alive there for a second.

So like f*ck her, (i mean not really she doesn’t even know about all of my sh*t around it)

Anyways his crazy obsessive mom is writing a book, so she’s in tennessee in a rental house writing her book. Which i will never read by the way, it’s so like 1800’s western romance like I don’t even know.

So him and his dad went up there this weekend,,, so no valentines day for me.

I didn’t have any expectations for the day so maybe that's why i'm not gonna have anything. Im only a little sad, but i never had a date for any highschool dances so its like ive gone numb to these things.

Happy Valentines day!